I prayed to learn to run a business without having to put in any money... I have a feeling that God is answering this prayer. Actually, I almost forgot that I prayed this a few weeks ago till today.

During cell today, P led us in ice-breaker. Share about what is one thing you would do is fear is not a factor. I realised that one of the things I would do is to set up a business. Not sure what kind of business, i said perhaps F&B because I thought it might be rather easy to understand the business. S passed me the contact of her friend who just started a cafe. It's so coincidental that B also know that friend and the cafe is walking distance from my home. I'm going to visit that friend this wed evening. Not sure how it will turn out.

I hope that friend, ST, would let me work at her cafe and learn about running a cafe. I don't mind not being paid. I have absolutely no experience in this area. No wonder I kept having this inclination to work as waitress...

Feeling impatient with students... and I feel bad for feeling that way, cos it shows and the students can sense it and they may not want to approach me in future. Sometimes I have the sense that they are not doing their work and taking advantage of me. Sometimes, I also realise that my colleagues have been really patient with me and helping me.

I believe that I need learn to correct students when they are not doing their part, and to be able to offer grace after that, to restore the relationship, so that they would know that I am for them and not against them.

Sounds like what God is doing, except that I find the lessons that God wants to teach me can be pretty difficult...

For me with my students, there is a tension between blowing up at them, and offering grace... Quite draining and I'm far from attaining a good balance. Still, I will try so that things don't get worse.

I realise I have forgotten about God's love! That I have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and the wages of sin is death! But Jesus has taken my place on the cross that I may be reconciled to God, my Heavenly Father. May I never forget this great love! Everyone needs this love of God, no matter how much we have suffered, or how unfair circumstances may be...

Read through my earlier posts and am kind of touched... I have another blogspot at http://cailiting.easyjournal.com . I totally forgot that I have such a blog.

BC challenged me today about trusting God in leading us to a career where we could thrive and shine for Him. Ok, maybe he didn't challenge me, more like sharing with me about trusting God.

I guess I still find it difficult to trust God and have forgotten what I posted in the post on 1st Nov. How can I pray believing when I do not even know if God will answer? There are people who have prayed for healing for years, believing, and yet have not been healed! At what point do we give up hope of getting healed and move on, accepting our current conditions? How do people like Nick Vujicic, without arms and legs, trust God?

I asked God to help me and I sensed Him leading me to the verse (not the exact verse, I'm tired to check out the exact verse) "He gives and takes away, Blessed be His name" and "Though the trees/ground do not bear fruit, I will still praise You". This is a solemn reminder and tears almost came to my mind. It is so difficult to practice the above. I remember when I was a young Christian, it seemed to be easier to trust God in difficult times!

He reminded me of what Ps Jeff shared about what he gave up when He went into full time ministry. He gave up working in shenton way, opportunities to travel the world and wealth. Yet, God has returned all these to Ps Jeff, in His time, just like God returned Job many times more that what Job lost. Just like He said in Mark, (not exact) "whoever gives up house, farm, wealth, family for My sake, I will return to him 100 times more".

He reminded me of the story (I do not know if true) of this person who is wheelchair bounded, who was asked by a skeptic, "How can you still say that God is good when you are in this state?" The person replied, "Because if all is well with me, and I said God is good, you would rebutt, saying that you said God is good because everything is well." Reminded me of satan's accusation of Job.

I am also reminded of the story of the blind person in the bible and the people questioned Jesus, why he was born blind "was it his sin or his parents' sin?" Jesus replied, "it was for God's glory to be manifested today that he was born blind." (not exact), and went on to reveal God's glory by healing him. Another story of a person going into a classroom of deaf and mute children and signalling to them "why did God made me to be able to hear and speak but that you can't?" This of course caused tension in the class and one student stood up, walked to the front and signalled "for God's glory."

Another story (this is real), this guy (i can't remember his name) who body came apart as his plane/helicopter crashed during some world war. He managed to survive and woke up and learnt to walked after many years (10 or more) and eventually became a counsellor/psychologist for people who met are victims of industrial accidents! And he continued to believe that God has a wonderful plan for his life!

And I remember in the book "Man's Search for Meaning", the author gave the analogy, if a (ape? can't remember which animal he used) were to be used to test some form of vaccination for polio, would be ape be able to understand the reason for the suffering it is going through? Probably not. But there is indeed a very noble reason for its suffering.

I used to be very touched when I hear such stories. I still am. Touched by the courage they show. I realized that though I may not see the reason of my suffering, believe that God who knows more than me, can see the big picture. My ability to trust God would have to come from knowing that He is a God of Love and cares for me, have good plans for me and I hope to live for His glory.

God's help me to know your love, more than head knowledge. Help me to know it deeply. I know you will.

My bro enlisted recently and we were told to write a letter to him, to encourage during a particularly tough field camp. I was rather busy at that time preparing to go overseas and so did not write the letter. After coming back, I was busy with work and procrastinated writing the letter. One day, I felt prompted to write and had the impression that the field camp is the following week. Though the deadline to submit the letter was over, I suspect they would still pack the letter as it arrived. I wrote the letter and posted it the friday before the field camp. Thank God, I wrote and posted it in time to arrive before the field camp, and the kind officers packed it and it reached my bro. My bro was touched to receive the letter =) and I thank God for prompting me to write in time. He is faithful.

My 3rd post today =)

Acted in a role play today as Granny. Had tremendous fun! He gave us ideas as we rehearsed and helped me put my script/storyline together. The audience laughed so much, something I did not expect. I'm really proud that I have done my best and 2 of my colleagues said I acted well. That is a bonus. I thank colleague C for giving me so many tips on how to act and what to wear.

I am somewhat surprised that I am having fun! I'm really thankful that I am learning to let go and have fun. I hope I would always remember to have fun and enjoy the process, in most of my endeavours, and not to always take things so seriously and to remember to have FUN!

How should I view prayer when I am not sure if God will answer it in the way I expected? Wouldn't I be setting myself up for disappointment if I prayed, believing with all my heart, but things do not turn out the way I hope for?

I have been struggling with the above question for some time. Recently, I have a slightly better/clearer perspective.

I asked myself: Does God not answer prayer? Yes, He does, but he might not answer it in the way I expect.

What then? How then can I say with conviction to myself and others, that God can, and want to heal, provide, etc?

I realise that God has a Will of His own, and can decide whether or not to answer my prayers the way I want them to be answered!

Moving forward, I shall learn to trust that He has a good plan for my life. The way He answers my prayers would be the best for me, that His ways are higher than mine. And I will continue to pray, to claim my rights as a daughter and princess of the Living God.

Decided to blog again, as I sense the need to record His goodness, as a form of inspiration for myself when I feel down, to remember his goodness, to remember He is for me and His plans are good.

8 Oct 2010
It was open house. It was my birthday too. Amazing, he orchestrated for 5 of my colleagues to eat lunch with me and to play at the slide at T3. I had so much fun because I believe I might not have played if I were by myself or with another group of friends. Their "daring-ness" to play, help me shed my self-consciousness. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

I am also thankful that a friend came all the way to open house to celebrate my birthday and to try to share my world.

31 Oct 2010
He led me to check one of my bank accounts and I found out that the bank has begun charging me due to some changes in the account. I normally would not check this account and it so happened that this time I checked it the first month the bank implemented these new rules. I managed to get some of the fees waived and would be closing the account. Hopefully, this would give me some focus in my management of finances.

Just looked at some of my entries. Does sound boring... Well, there are seasons in life, and this is probably a dry season.

I weigh about 41 kg now. Not bad.

Think I can be less concerned for my weight now and trust that God will take care of me if I continue to eat well and exercise.

I do need to focus on other things now. God, please help me take my mind off my weight... =)